2010 Northeast Regional FSA Conference

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National Infertility Week

Infertility Etiquette (Article taken from www.resolve.org the National Infertility Association)

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.


Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.


The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.


As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.


A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
They will eventually conceive a baby.
They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.


Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.


Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.


Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.


These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.


Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.


Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.


Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?
Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.


People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.


Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.


Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"


Don't Be Crude
It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.


Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.


The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.


Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."


I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.


Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.


Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.


Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.


Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition
Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.


Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.


Don't Push Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.


You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.


Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.


So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.


Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.


Remember Them on Mother's Day
With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.
Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.


Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments
No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.


Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

A message from National Council for adoption: NEW WEBSITE

Did you know that 2010 marks NCFA’s 30th Anniversary? In celebration of 30 years of service to children, birthparents, and adoptive families, we are excited to announce the launch of our brand new, fully re-designed website, www.adoptioncouncil.org.

Our new website, made possible by the generous support of a Foundation, offers a much more user-friendly, attractive interface for everyone interested in adoption.

“Whether you are a birthparent, an adoptive family, adoption agency, a representative of the government, the media, or you are simply a person interested in adoption, you will know exactly where to click to find the information you’re looking for.” –Chuck Johnson, NCFA vice president and chief operating officer

After you check out the new website, be sure to follow NCFA on Twitter, Become a Fan of NCFA on Facebook, stay tuned for our Blog (coming soon!), or Share Your Story with us. And, if you haven’t already done so, sign-up to become an Adoption Ally (formerly Adoption Advocate) and stay informed about what’s going on in the adoption community.

THANK YOU for your support as we work to bring you the most updated and accurate adoption information available, and we hope you enjoy the new website!

Sincerely,

Your friends at the National Council For Adoption

www.adoptioncouncil.org

P.S. We hope you will find the new website easier to navigate and more informative. Please feel free to give us feedback by e-mailing us at ncfa@adoptioncouncil.org. Your suggestions and input are important to us!


Click for Full Press Release



You can contact NCFA by mail, phone, fax, and e-mail:

National Council For Adoption
225 N. Washington Street
Alexandria, VA 22314
703-299-6633 (Phone)
703-299-6004 (fax)
ncfa@adoptioncouncil.org
www.adoptioncouncil.org

Parent Profiles: finding ideas

LDS Family Services and ParentProfiles.com have worked together to offer an exclusive benefit for LDS Family Services’ approved adoptive couples. ParentProfiles.com will extend a 50% discount on the monthly service fee for couples wishing to publish a profile on their site. The cost would only be $50.00 per month. The set-up fee ($99.00) and the listing fee ($149.00) will be waived.


ParentProfiles.com is marketed extensively throughout the leading adoption websites, such as adoption.com, birthmother.com and adopting.org.

Originally 50 "longer waiting" adoptive couples from LDSFS were selected to be part of a 90 day pilot study. The purpose of the study was to determine if couples received more exposure and placement opportunities as a result of being on ParentProfiles.com. The end result: 11 couples were either selected or had a placement and nearly all 50 couples received correspondence with birth parents. The following are a few testimonials from the pilot couples regarding their experience:


“Only five days after posting on the parentprofiles.com site, we received an e-mail from a birthmother. We have been e-mailing on a continued basis since then. She is due soon and we are hopeful that this will result in a successful adoption for our family.”


“We were selected two weeks after our profile went up and now have a baby boy. The birthmother and her entire family are wonderful.”


Couples who wish to take advantage of this opportunity will need to work closely with their LDS Family Services’ adoption caseworker and complete the following steps:


1. Couples will go to http://www.parentprofiles.com/ where they can build their own profile. On the right-hand side of the screen there is a yellow box with the link “Start Now”. If couples choose to publish an online profile, they will click on this link and they will be guided through the profile building process. (As this is a secure site, no one except ParentProfiles.com will have access to couples’ information.)


2. Couples will need to send ParentProfiles.com all the needed paperwork. Your LDSFS caseworker will need to send: A copy of the first and last page of the couples’ homestudy (the last page needs to include the recommendation and required signature). The Statement of Adoption Status form on agency’s letterhead. The adoptive couple will need to send a Service agreement and a Payment Authorization form. On the Payment Authorization form, couples will want to choose “Option B” to have the listing and set up fee ($248) waived and to get the 50% off monthly discount. The coupon code is LDSFS.


3. Couples will need to list their Credit Card information at the bottom and make sure all initials and signatures are complete. ParentProfiles.com will then charge the Credit Card every month until couples complete the deactivation process.

The contact person at ParentProfiles.com is Jean Kimball who can assist in answering technical and other questions about getting an online profile published. Jean can be reached at 1-800-FAMILY NOW or info@parentprofiles.com. Caseworkers can fax required documents to Jean at 480-894-2338.

A home for the holidays

Don't miss "A Home for the Holidays" airing the 23rd at 8pm ET on CBS.

Matching Monday

I hope these children have parents to call their own by next Christmas!!!

Utah

Erik age 14.

Sports and building models are top on this teen’s list of favorite things to do. You can bet that time spent with Erik will be time enjoyed. He has a great sense of humor that will leave you in stitches, and an engaging personality that will melt your heart. Erik also has a talent for swimming and likes to spend his downtime playing a good video game. Erik will be entering the ninth grade this fall. He is an intelligent young man who is continuously progressing.

Oregon

Tara & Liam ages (not listed)

Big gray eyes and a wonderful smile, Tara is a petite, friendly little girl who wears glasses. She likes to engage in family games and social events as well as puzzles, board games, and memory matching games are her favorite. She also likes to play outdoors and especially likes to slide. She loves princesses and is most fond of Snow White.

Liam is an extremely bright and adorable boy who is eager to please and desperately wants stable parents to love. He has bright eyes, a great smile, a healthy appetite and loves to have his blonde hair spiked up. He is very curious about his surroundings and how the world works.

Liam and Tara do have an older half sister with whom they have maintained contact and it would be nice if they could maintain some level of contact with her.

An adoptive family for Tara and Liam would ideally have previous parenting experience. There should not be any younger children in the home. Ideally they should have a parent at home full-time to meet all of their needs. Parents for Liam and Tara will need to be very strong and involved advocates in their education and ongoing treatment.

Being fully independent may prove to be a life long challenge for Sarah, her full potential will not be known until she is in a family that is deeply committed to her healing and future growth. She in particular needs parents that will be committed to her for the long run.

A lifetime of delightful surprises from parenting Tara and Liam is sure to await you!

Alabama

Brittany age 10.

Brittany, born in March 1999, is a cute girl who is very sweet and loving. She loves her long hair. Brittany likes to play with her friends at school. Brittany needs parents who can help remind her that she is a child and not the mother to her younger siblings. Brittany needs help with staying focused and on completing her school work. Brittany wants to be a veterinarian when she grows up.

Brittany needs structure, stability, patience, consistency and positive attention. She also has two siblings who are being recruited for separately. A connection will need to be maintained between the three children.

*There is a video interview of Brittany on the website...take a peek.

Health Insurance for Adopted Children

NCFA Releases Adoption Advocate No. 19: Health Insurance for Adopted Children

NCFA is pleased to release Adoption Advocate No. 19 entitled, “Health Insurance for Adopted Children," which reviews the laws related to health insurance for adopted children and provides parents basic information about obtaining health care for their adopted child.

Click here to read Adoption Advocate No. 19.



You can contact NCFA by mail, phone, fax, and e-mail:

National Council For Adoption

225 N. Washington Street Alexandria, VA 22314

703-299-6633 (Phone)

703-299-6004 (fax)

www.adoptioncouncil.org